


and it’s whatever now

by kaeriot



Category: The Social Network (2010)
Genre: Angst, Harvard Era, Insecurity, M/M, and is generally incoherent, oh btw mark & wardo are kinda dating & this takes place pre-pre-depositions, warning: incoherency, yeah ok so i never learned how to use tags but basically eduardo rambles A Lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 00:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaeriot/pseuds/kaeriot
Summary: Eduardo thinks about Mark and Sean. He's really supposed to be studying, but he can't stop thinking about them for some reason.





	and it’s whatever now

“Wardo,” Chris asks. “What are you  _ doing _ ?”

 

Eduardo mutters something into his pillow. He’s not sure how to respond because he knows he’s supposed to be doing something but he’s doesn’t know exactly _what_ he’s supposed to be doing because all he feels right now is cold and he’s certainly not going to tell Chris that because he definitely needs at least three beers before he can even maybe start to consider hey! Maybe he should tell one of his only friends that sometimes he wants to kill himself and the only fucking reason he hasn’t yet is Sean Parker! 

 

Chris really isn’t one of his friends; Eduardo knows that. He knows that because he doesn’t  _ know _ Chris because there’s a reason he still has a single (besides the fact that his daddy has enough money to pay for it, of course) and that’s because he  _ doesn’t know anyone _ . 

 

(There’s this moment, years later, when he’ll spit at Mark across a polished wooden desk, spit at Mark and tell him that he was his best friend, his  _ only _ friend but that never really was true and Mark knows it too because Mark’s got Chris and Dustin and now Sean, he guesses, although he’s never quite exactly sure where Sean falls on the spectrum because every time Eduardo pauses to think about it he wants to take a knife and run it through the John Harvard statue.)

 

He thinks he’s a bit of a masochist, sometimes, staring down at his coffee every morning while Mark moves his hands, saying something about intro CS classes and Python over Java, listening to Sean laugh and agree and roll his eyes and talk about outdated college curriculums and Eduardo can’t speak because he  _ hates _ Python even though he’s never really learned it he hates it because his sister hates it but he can’t come out and say he likes Java because it’s comforting, because he remembers taking CS freshman year of high school and getting seven questions wrong on a practice test and learning to fudge his answers, to peek quickly at the answer key before handing it to his mom to check over, deliberately making sure only he had one or two wrong each time. He can’t say he likes Java because it reminds him of home, because it reminds him of a time when he was actually  _ good _ at things because then Sean would raise an eyebrow at him and Mark would just ignore him and he couldn’t bear Mark ignoring him (and he thinks he probably would have liked Sean well enough if everything was different, if he had met Sean first, if, maybe, he had gone to Stanford).

 

“Sleeping,” he says, pulling the comforter over his head.

 

“You can talk to me, you know,” Chris says softly and at this point Eduardo’s about to cry because it’s all fucking  _ wrong _ and Mark’s texting Sean and smiling down at his phone and Eduardo’s half forgotten everything he’s learned about Java and Sean’s who he  _ could _ have been, he thinks, if he stopped lying and actually thought about buying cleats and maybe fixing his life while he was at it but hey! At least he could pretend to control the weather, pretend to watch thunderstorms from his dorm window and pretend it was him and hope Mark got fucking soaked on his way to class and it’s sometimes Eduardo’s fault (like the pool thing) but he just ends up feeling like an asshole anyway.

 

“Should I break up with Mark?” Eduardo asks because Chris fucking offered and he feels kind of guilty because he only talks to Chris about Mark but Chris is gone because Chris was never fucking here in the first place and sometimes he likes having conversations with Chris in his head because Chris is smart and rational and has good advice and Eduardo kind of wants to break up with Mark because he just wants to be  _ happy _ and he’s tired of being treated like such a fucking  _ whatever _ (no he’s not going to mention the weather now he’s not that predictable but he’s sure Mark knows exactly what he was going to say or maybe he doesn’t maybe he doesn’t care maybe he looks at the sky and doesn’t think of him) but anyway sometimes Eduardo just wants someone to  _ care _ about him and Mark’s not like that because all Mark wants to talk about is theFacebook and he  _ likes _ talking about theFacebook with Mark, likes Mark’s eyes bright and shiny, likes cementing his position as Mark’s CFO, likes pretending that he isn’t replaceable and he  _ wasn’t  _ replaceable but Sean’s him but better (but he still wants Mark, he thinks). But Mark wants Sean and it’s whatever now.

 

He resists the urge to think about the weather in Palo Alto, tries and fails and fails again because all he  _ knows _ is weather (and he doesn’t even know all too much about it anyway but at least he can name clouds and seem smart on occasion which is all he really needs, anyway, and he’s got a physics test tomorrow--yes, that’s what he was forgetting, physics--and he needs to go study because if he can’t solve one of the problems he knows he’s going to shut down and malfunction and just sit there staring at the page, heart racing, mind going blank, and he’s going to just sit there for the full hour and a half and he knows Sean could probably ace that test easy but whatever).

 

Mark talks to Sean more than he talks to Eduardo and that’s probably because Eduardo’s never around anymore because he’s lying and watching Legally Blonde instead of going to soccer practice because he can’t show emotion around Mark anymore and it fucking  _ sucks _ because he can’t show emotion around anyone except his own goddamn self and he’s going to go insane before the year is over having conversations in his own mind. And he spends his time scrolling back through his texts with Mark and reading those two words over and over and over again and it was supposed to be, he thinks, a punch to the gut but he knows Mark probably ignored it, probably ignored everything Eduardo said that day, everything Eduardo was feeling and he remembers being on his fucking  _ knees _ begging Mark to just talk to him because he was so scared and realizing that maybe he didn’t want to love Mark this much that maybe he didn’t want to put himself through this that he didn’t  _ want _ to love someone that fell out of love with him just because he went home over Christmas break for half a week that he didn’t want someone to fall out of love with him just because he was a little too  _ much _ or maybe not enough but he’s not going to change he  _ can’t  _ change and, fuck, he probably is going to change. Just for Mark.

 

Maybe he could become more like Sean because he  _ needs _ to understand what Mark wants, what Mark needs, what Mark could  _ love _ . But he can’t and he’s spent hours analyzing typing style and thinking about the weather in Palo Alto yet again and he can’t write like that because he tries and he fails and Mark doesn’t even notice because he’s  _ given _ Mark the algorithm and now Mark doesn’t need him anymore, does he?

 

There’s a point to this, a point to all of this, Eduardo thinks, and he’s scrolling through Mark’s fucking  _ livejournal _ thinking maybe that he wants to be alone but being alone would be worse than whatever  _ this _ is. 

 

“Waiting,” Eduardo tells Chris. Maybe if he waits. It’ll work out . 

 

but he doesn’t really know if it will right now and maybe that’s okay maybe he’s  unlovable going to be okay .

**Author's Note:**

> god if you've gotten this far i salute you. so, a couple things:
> 
> 1\. this fic isn't a joke . i promise
> 
> 2\. i'm gonna single handedly revive the tsn fandom . watch me
> 
> uhhh also join me on [tumblr](https://kaeriot.tumblr.com/) . i love getting roasted


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